Thursday, March 5, 2009

His will, not mine

I am a planner. I like to have things planned out far in advance so that I will be completely ready for what to expect. I mean I know things can change last minute, but at least I have some kind of a security in knowing basically what the future holds. I am at a point in my life that really stresses me as a planner out, because I don't know the plan. I don't know where we will be living after we are married, I don't know what kind of a job I will have, I don't know what we will be living in be it a house or an apartment. I don't know so many things and quite frankly it terrifies me.

The longer I spend in this position of unknown the more I fret and the more antsy I get. Each day I struggle with dwelling on the unknown and each day the Lord teaches me that it is in the unknown that I will find Him and find His peace. I know God has a plan for me that is far greater than I could ever plan. It is far greater than even what I think that I need in my future.

So I am living in a time that we planners call a time of complete blindness, but in reality it is a time of complete faith. I trust in the Lord with all my heart that he will provide and yet at times my selfish will thinks it can take over and plan as it wants. Just tonight I spent about an hour searching every job search engine possible on the internet for photography, journalism, graphic design and media related jobs in Waco, TX. (Which is where my mind is wanting to say we will be just to have a "plan") Only time and again to find nothing, nada, zip! At a moment of pure frustration and the tears gathered in my eyes, because I couldn't just do it on my own, the Lord convicted me yet again.

The weight on my heart grew heavy as a felt the Lord saying that it is HE who will provide and it will be in HIS time, not mine. Now I will admit for most people they will simply sigh and say ok! But I just became overwhelmed. I wanted so bad for God to appear to me and just tell me what the future held. But he continued to break my stubborn spirit and show me his mercy.

I finally just exhaled, gave up my will and opened the Bible.....some what kamikaze style just landing on whatever passage I opened to. To my surprise I landed on the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25. We all know the story, three guys given different amounts. The first two take it and make more and the last takes it and buries it. The master gives those that made more, more and took it all away from the one that just buried it.

I felt the Lord speaking to me in a new way through this parable. I felt as if he was saying that when I attempt to plan my life myself and take over my will I am like the man that buried his talent. God has so much more planned for me that is so much better, but I refuse and I bury it and never reap the benefit. If I would just allow the Lord to work through my life I will be like the man that had 2 and returned with 4 and in complete brokenness and willingness to serve I could then be like the 5 and returned with 10.

Anyways....this is a long post that I needed to write to clear my mind and work out the many thoughts in my head. Prayers are much appreciated through this time. I pray that the Lord continues to break my will and that I will seek constantly to follow his alone.

1 comment:

Alyrose said...

kate, you are like abraham! God said leave your country and go to the land that i am leading you cool that ya'll are being led by God to the place that he wants you to go. God totally has your back and I know that he is watchin over ya'll and in these scary moments that God is asking you to trust him it's in these times that we get the most blessings! Keep the faith! He will completely empower you, so take a deep breath, close your eyes and rest!